Madness
by EdwardCorvin17
Summary: This is what happens to me when I'm either at school or it's after midnight. Basically, my mind rambles. A mix of Twilight, Harry Potter, random Youtube videos, TV shows, and other books. Each chapter is not necessarily related to the next.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Sorry, I know I'm crazy. This is what happens to me when 1. I'm at school, or 2. it's after midnight. **

Window: *thud*

Alice: WTF, a talking window?

Window: Hell, yeah! I am very articulate, thank you!

Unknown: Open the fucking window, leech!

Emmett: Hedwig!

Nessie: Mmmm, tasy!

James: No! Not my candy bar!

Owl: No! It's me!

Emmett: A _talking_ Hedwig!

*Nessie reaches for owl*

Owl: It's me, Jacob!

Nessie: Jakey? Why are you covered in feathers?

Jake: Some crazy kid named Harry got pissed at me!

Nessie: Where's grandpa?

Fred & George: The constipation sensation that's sweeping the nation!

Jake: Help me! I am sooo fucking tired of coughing up mouse hair and bones. I will be a

vegetarian after this!

Alice: Talk to Carlisle, he can help.

Lowes Commercial: You can do it; we can help!

Carlisle: I know just the thing! Go see the banana king!

Emmett: Bananas…you know what they look like…

*Rose smacks Emmett*

Alice: Oh, by the way, where's Jasper?

Jasper: Down here! Pick me up!

*everyone looks down*

Edward: Eh, what?

Alice: A rabbit? You're a _rabbit_?

Jasper: No, I'm a _killer_ rabbit! See? Look at my pointy teeth! *grins maniacally*

Alice: How the hell did you turn into a bunny?

Jasper: Rabbit! I'm. A. Mother-fucking. RABBIT!

*everyone stares at Jasper the Killer Rabbit*

Jasper: What?! Oh, will someone just give me a bloody carrot?

Emmett: Do you want blood, a carrot, or a bloody carrot?

Jasper: God! *hops away*

Carlisle: Hurry! Go see the banana king!

*everyone leaves*

Jacob: I will hunt down this son of a bitch named Harry! He. Is. Dinner!

* * *

Alice: A room full of cupcakes?

Emmett: Cool! Damn. I don't eat.

Rose: J.D.!

J.D.: Oops. *cupcakes vanish*

* * *

Pink & Blue horses: It's a bridge Jacob, a magical bridge!

Jake: Like I give a shit. I'm flying!

Emmett: So is the banana king gay? I mean, he's the king of _bananas_! *Rose smacks

Emmett*

Bella: I like bananas. *Alice giggles, Edward looks away, Emmett laughs raucously, and

Rose rolls her eyes* What?!

Edward: Emmett is saying that bananas closely resemble, uh…

Emmett: Penises! Penii! Woo! *Rose smacks Emmett*

Bella: Oh. *blushes*

* * *

Emmett: Can I meet the banana queen? *Rose smacks Emmett*

Alice: Shut up, Emmett! I'll push you into the chocolate river!

Jake: A chocolate river? Where?

Alice: You're not human. Stick to the mice, dog. Owl. Whatever.

* * *

Pink & Blue horses: Beware the vortex! Oh. Never mind. Ron's fat ass is stuck in it.

Again.

Jake: Do these wings make me look fat? Or just gay?

Edward. Both. Always both.

Jasper: But what about my fluffy tail?

Alice: You look fine, dear.

Emmett: *snickers* Your package is smaller! The dog's—owl's—bits and pieces are

nearly non-existent!

Jake: Don't insult my babies!

Nessie: Momma, Jake has babies?

Bella: No! I—er, yes, but no. Never mind.

Emmett: Nessie, I got you a friend. His—it's—name is Fluffy.

Bella: Get that dog away from her!

Jake: Hey!

**Please review and tell me what you think of my crazy ideas!**


	2. Animals, Sex, and Harry Truman

**A/N: This story is going nowhere and has no plot. And, honestly? I don't mind...hope you don't either. And so it continues...**

Emmett: Hey birdy! Still got wings, I see. Haven't you found your banana king?

Jacob: No, it's that damn scrawny white boy with glasses that I have to hunt down! Harry…

Jasper: Who? Harry Truman?

Jacob: No, Hairy!

Edward: Hairy who? You're the one that's normally hairy. Now you're just…feathery.

Jacob: Hey, don't you dare dis the plumes of heaven!

Bella: Feathers? Not on me, I hope. I guess I hope… *giggle* *reminiscent look in eye*

Edward: Feathers? Oh. Feathers. *sigh*

Nessie: No! Not again. My parents are such… never mind. I hate hearing about my conception!

Jasper: I hate feeling it… then again, come here Alice.

Emmett: Why don't I ever have any of the vicarious benefits?!?

Alice: Holy crap, Emmett! Since when can you use big words?

Emmett: Since Rose and I played teacher/student. She had to have the foreplay.

Rose: I used that ruler at little too much on him….

Nessie: *is puzzled*

Edward: My child is in the room!

Emmett: Then she should leave and get her own room. And take that dog with her!

Edward: WTF! Are you suggesting that my baby and that dog go get a room?!

Jacob: Don't worry, Eddie, I'll teach her well.

Bella: I. Don't. Think. So. Remember when you misspoke the first time? *evil glare*

Jacob: *stare in horror* jk, jk, Bella. You know I wouldn't…

Emmett: No, I wouldn't subject Nessie to such a fate. I was, you know, just trying to get rid of _him_.

Edward: You mean 'it' now that he has little tiny… babies.

Nessie: Dada? Can you please change Jakey back now? I miss him…and his babies, too, whatever they are.

Emmett: HAHAHA… I love the human!

Nessie: Half. And why are you laughing at me.

Alice: No, it has to stay an owl because I want to pit him against my bunny…sorry, rabbit.

Bella: Nessie, dear, he's only laughing because you make him gay. *pointed glare at Emmett*

Jasper: Thanks, Alice. As proud as I am of my fluffy tail, I'd much prefer to be in human…vampire…form again. Can we get this over with?

Alice: Why does everyone always say that to me? Get this party over with, get that begging session over with. Why can't I have my fun? *pouts*

Emmett: Is that what Jasper says to you in bed, too? OUCH! Back off you freakin' bunny.

Jasper: KILLER RABBIT! How _hard_ is it for you to remember?

Emmett: _Very _hard…but I don't think you were talking about my p--*looks at Nessie*--bratwurst.

Bella: Wait! You forgot my favorite: get this f… darn shopping trip over with or so help me Edward! By the way, Rose, smack your husband for me.

Emmett: Yeah Rose, smack it hard! *turns around and bends over*

Alice: Enough with this madness! We'll skip the fight, _killer rabbit_—

Nessie: Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!

Alice: --and skip straight to the negotiations. Now, Jacob, we'll get you back into your old, uh, body as soon as possible, as long as you promise to keep your paws off my niece. Got it?

Jacob: Does that include my tongue as well?

Bella: Enough. Edward, did you bring the wing clippers? And the tongue ones, too, for that matter? Just like in "Hostel", though I absolutely cannot understand why you forced me to watch that, Emmett.

Jacob: I didn't mean it THAT way. I mean it like when I was horny… I mean hairy. Like in wolf form. Hairy.

Narrator: Speaking of which, we should get back to the plot…sometime.

Emmett: F*** you! I'm having fun! Besides, _Jakey_, that would just be bestiality. Not much better than normal sex in Bella's book. In relation to her daughter, anyway. *wiggles eyebrows*

Bella: You mean to say that I like wild sex?!

Edward: You don't?

Emmett: See?! *guffaws* Rose and I still hold the title!

Nessie: Title to what?

Edward: Home Demolition

Lowes people: You can do it, we can help.

Edward: We need no help.

Bella: You fat, dumb fucking, stinky ass turds! *glares at Lowes workers*

**A/N: If anyone reads this--and I wouldn't blame you for not reading it--I apologize for never updating. I will try and fix that. Here's to another chapter of inconsequential non-plottiness...please R&R.**

**P.S. I've gotten a writing buddy. Thanks to vampirechaud for her help...we wrote this in class together!  
**


	3. Quotes and Songs

**A/N: I didn't know it was possible, but this has continued on to a third chapter, and most likely a fourth sometime. Anyway, thanks for sticking with it!**

Emmett: "I don't do that tongue thing!"

Jasper: I really wish that you would stop quoting Mulan. It's not good for our sanity.

Rose: Besides, that's a lie. You do.

Nessie: My favorite line was, "They popped up, like daisies!"

Emmett: Something else might just 'pop up', Rosie cupcake, if you're not careful…

Bella: Oh jeez.

Emmett: Plus, I still maintain that the three little pigs—as well as the three chipmunks—were all gay and involved in threesomes. Why else would there be _three_? It's the perfect number!

Nessie: What are threesomes?

Edward: Something adults do. When they're bored.

Emmett: Definitely, maybe.

Edward: Alright, I've had enough of this madness! Come on Bella, we're leaving. Alice, could you please watch Nessie?

Emmett: Esme, you might want to keep that Lowes gift card ready, 'cuz I have a feeling that someone might be in need of some _wood_ at the moment…

Jasper: They probably are going to go off and fornicate. Damn them! Lucky little suckers! Literally… But I know I'd do the same, providing that I had a big enough…

Alice: You're more than adequate, don't worry. But your fuzzy self might not be in great condition for such a cardiac workout. I'll be ready when you're all fixed, though.

Edward: No worries, Emmett. _You_ should keep the gift card. I mean, you and Rose _do_ hold the Home Demolition record.

Alice: Plus, he likes wood.

Bella: Edward! Don't encourage the big child. And just to get this straight, we hold that title.

Edward: Haha. Straight. Something Emmett is not.

Emmett: Oh yes I am. Just look.

Nessie: What's wrong with liking wood? I do. Especially Jacob's wood.

Bella: What the fu—feathers?

Nessie: Your charm! The one that he carved of the wolf that you gave to me! It's beautiful, but awfully small.

Bella: Fine! You know what, Edward? Can we please just go fuck?

Alice: Woah! Watch your fucking language! Whoops, sorry, Nessie!

Jasper: Okay, if I'm not going to lose it with all this lust surrounding me and start going at it like a rabbit…wait no pun intended…you'd better go get it on elsewhere. Coz I'm pretty sure that Alice isn't into bestiality, even though I'm about ready to start fucking her like a bunny. In a tub. Like Peter Facinelli in "The Lather Effect."

Nessie: Grandpa????

Carlizzle: What? Esme and I are busy…cleaning the bathroom…

Emmett: More like renovating…again time for the Lowes gift card!!!

Jacob: Personally, I've always used Home Depot. For fixing up my garage, of course.

Bella: Lies! The only fixing you've been doing there is behind the building. And I was _not_ involved with that. You're my only addiction, Eddipuss *runs off into the night with Edward at her heels*

Emmett: I'm so addicted to, all the things you do, when you're going dow—

Esme: Emmett McCarty! Did you forget about your niece, here?

Emmett: No, but does her being here mean that I can't sing?

Jasper: It's pretty obvious to anything with ears that you can't sing.

Emmett: *picks up Killer Rabbit Jasper and punts him into the forest ahead of them like a football* I meant, does her being here mean that I _may not_ sing?

Esme: Of course you may sing. Just not that song.

Emmett: Hey, you're a crazy bit—

Esme: Not that one either!

Emmett: S is for the simplety, E is for the ecstasy, X is just to mark—

Esme: No! I changed my mind! No singing!

Jacob: Plus, I don't think that 'simplety' is a word, there, bloodsucker.

Nessie: If Emmett won't sing, will you sing to me, Jakey?

Jacob: Uh, sure, sure. What do you want me to sing?

Nessie: I don't know. Whatever comes to mind first.

Jacob: Well, I can't think of—fine. Don't laugh, please. It really _is_ the first thing I thought of.

Emmett: I can't hear you! Where's our serenade?

Jacob: In touch with the ground. I'm on the hunt I'm after you. Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd. And I'm hungry like the wolf.

Emmett: Oh no you didn't! *falls to the forest floor in laughter*

Rose: Besides that being hideously ironic, you sounded like a dying dog. *is attacked by Jake the Owl's beak*

Jacob: Well you sound like a dying—damn it! I guess something dead can't sound like it's dying.

Esme: No, dear, it can't. Unless the 'it' is Emmett.

Emmett: Mom!

Esme: Son, I can not lie. Aren't I right, Carlisle?

Carlisle: Yeah, you're right. By the way, what is that noise that I'm hearing now? Kind of sounds like a jet explosion…

Nessie: Oh, that's just Daddy. They should be back soon if he's already making that noise.

Everyone else: *stares at Nessie*

Esme: Edward _is_ very fast.


End file.
